The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had
by Literarygirl
Summary: Living was a struggle for me. Waking up was hell. Eating was a torture. Breathing felt like drowning. The more Karamatsu became happy, the more I became depressed. (In which Ichimatsu is in love with Karamatsu and Karamatsu gets married. Ichimatsu slowly dies inside.)


English isn't my main language so please point out my mistakes if you ever you enjoy!

It hurts.

Usually I would use that phrase for a certain brother but not now.

... Actually, who I'm kidding with?

I still feel pain towards that same brother but there is a difference now.

This time pain took over my whole being. I felt it to my bones.

It is not the same pain.

And I knew.

I knew from the moment I started to feel those feelings in high school. Those forbidden,wrong feelings.  
I knew that I can't do anything except watch him.

But knowledge didn't make it less painful.

All these years I was an asshole toward my brother. Not all of it was an act, sometimes I really felt like kicking him or saying bad things to him.

But most of it was an act. I couldn't help but feel bad when I saw him all alone after we left him behind.I couldn't help but get sad when I said a bad word and made him sad.

I just couldn't help myself.

I love Karamatsu so much that I can't help it.

Of course I continued my act because I was afraid. I wanted to spend time with Karamatsu, play baseball with him like Jyushimatsu, go to shopping with him like Todomatsu, play at pachinko with him like Osomatsu and even help him cleaning house like Choromatsu does sometimes.

But I couldn't.

Because I felt like if I get too close to him my feelings would pour out.

I didn't want him to hate me so I choose the hard way.

I thought it would be enough .Even if my heart hurts, it would be enough watching him. Living in the same space. Eating together .Waking up together. Sleeping together. When it's late at night and finally everyone slept, watching his sleeping face freely and sometimes even petting his hair very slowly.

We were NEET's so it was natural for us to stay together. It was enough.

Karamatsu was the last person I expected to leave house.

But life sure is suprising, isn't it?

Karamatsu found a girlfriend.

No one believed when he told but after meeting her in person everyone realized that it was true.

She was really kind and cute, she had brown hair and deep green eyes. She was acting nervous when she meet us and our parents for the first time. But everyone was suprisingly kind too so she befriended them in no time. Everyone loved her. No one could really understand why she loved Karamatsu but they accepted her love nevertheless.

Because it was obvious that she loved Karamatsu.

I realized that the moment I saw her. I knew that look. That love. It was easy for me to understand because I'm seeing that look in mirror for years.

And Karamatsu loved her back. He looked at her with so much love, so much care. I dreamed of that look for years and years. Every night when my head hit the pillow my thoughts would go there without my permission. How I would dream of him holding my hand, holding my face, kissing me,touching me. Sometimes my thoughts would go wild and I'd had to go to toilet to calm my body.

That was pretty disgusting. But I am disgusting so it's not a shock.

I expected them to break up after a while but they just continued to get closer.

Everything was so perfect.

I was a selfish bastard. I couldn't say if he is happy then I should be happy too. I wanted them to break up. I wanted to destroy their relationship. I wanted to make her suffer for stealing him from me.

That was the level of how low I am.

But of course, I didn't do or say anything.

I just watched them when they both came to home hand-in-hand and showed their matching rings.

She was so happy that she cried.

I felt like vomiting.

I never hated someone this much in my life before. I despised her. I wanted strangle her. I hated her to the point where I dreamed of killing her. I wanted to tear her down in little pieces then cook her and eat it with Karamatsu.

I fucking hate myself.

She never tried to get close to me too. I'm not sure if it's because I always looked her with so much hate or like I saw it in her eyes she saw my love for Karamatsu. Somehow I felt like the latter was the case.

She was so nice and caring, she was such a good person who didn't deserve those disgusting thoughts.

But I couldn't help myself.

Day after day I became more miserable then ever.

But I come to their fiènce with an elegent suit that looked funny on a trash like me.

Karamatsu told me that I look so good in that suit.

I left with a crappy excuse.

I cried while hugging that shitty suit at home.

I took 2 sleep pill and slept before everyone come back. I didn't want them to see my puffy red eyes.

Living was a struggle for me. Waking up was hell. Eating was a torture. Breathing felt like drowning.

The more Karamatsu became happy, the more I became depressed.

Karamatsu found a job. He was a guardian at an art galeria. He was more mature than ever. Of course he stopped going to find his Karamatsu girls. It was the day the only Karamatsu Boy died too.

He saved money and rent a little house. They said it was small but perfect for the young couple. I'm not sure because I didn't find courage in me to go.

The wedding day came.

If I saw that scene I knew that I will break down and kill myself.

That's why I planned to run.

I didn't wanted them to cancel wedding in search of me, -Karamatsu definitely would do something like that- so I waited until we get out of house to go to wedding.

I knew that it was going to happen no matter what so I wanted it to be over quickly.

I wore an elegant suit, again. It looked funny on me, again.

Karamatsu praised me,again. He told me that I should wore suits more often, since it gives me a new and good look.

I cried in toilet before getting out of home.

Osomatsu was always by my side. He never left while walking,while getting in the car. I didn't get the chance to flee. But for some reason I didn't question him for being near to me all the time. I didn't wanted to know the answer.

This time I was there.I was there when they sweared to never leave each others side. When they wore the rings.

I failed to escape this time and I knew what that meant.

This time I really vomited.

When Karamatsu kissed her and everyone clapped hands I run to toilet with a hand covering my mouth.

I vomited and vomited everything in my stomach, wishing I could vomit everything in my heart too.

I didn't realized the hand in my back until I finished vomiting.

It was Osomatsu. He had a look that was saying so much. If it was an another situation I would've laugh for how serious he looked.

But I was crying and I really couldn't stop them. I was tired. So I just buried my face on Osomatsu's shoulder and cried my heart out while he silently stroked my back.

Neither of us said anything about this later.

After getting out of the bathroom I stayed at the balcony until the end of the ceremony.

Karamatsu didn't notice my absence.

For the first time in my whole life.

After wedding I didn't return to home.

Because there was only five people on the bed. I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping without Karamatsu at my side.

I get to a bar and just drank and drank, in my suit.

After I became drunk I tried to find their little home. Their love nest. I've had the adress memorized in my head.  
Eventually I found it because no matter how I drank, I would always find Karamatsu.

There it was. The second floor of a little apartment. No light was on except one room. It was a little light,like a table light or something.

They are doing it I thought bitterly.

I vomited again, clinching the street lamb.

I needed to get out of there so I started to walk while tears run from my face. I didn't know where I was going.

I found myself in an alley. Maybe my mind took me there in hopes for finding a cat.

Instead I found three woman with cigarettes.

Prostitutes.

They approached me and without thinking I paid for the one with dark hair and blue eyes.

She took me to another empty alley.

I just stood there.

She kissed me.

My first kiss.

It was full of cheap lipstick and cigarette.

She touched me, then eventually she took my virginity.

It was like a dream,I felt like floating and I don't remember much of it.

I was just aware that I cried and muttered silently with tears;

We lost our virginity at the same day huh, Karamatsu Nii-san. I love you. I love you so much.

I wished to die.

I was intended to do it an one-shot but it got long so I decided to separate it. If you liked it I would love to hear you comments,negative or positive, they would made my day, thanks!

Ps:By the way if you want you can check my youtube channel,I translate Osomatsu-san videos but most of them angsty, be careful.

#/channel/UCq1W4p7LgZfHfkXU5LKnUpw


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